Dear John

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Some readers might need to know that “The Secret life of Walter Mitty” is the title of a famous film starring Danny Kaye. Walter could not control his daydreaming and he had hilarious imaginary adventures that sadly ended when he woke up to a boring life.

Dear Mr.Key,
It has been very obvious that earthquakes and finance company collapses have taken up most of your time lately. I hope you are getting plenty of sleep and do not get struck down with crisis management overload. By the way, if you need a hand to sort out minor issues, like the employment of accused CV faker Stephen Wilce as a top Defense Department chief – then perhaps we can help.

Here at ‘Walter Mitty Anonymous’ we have plenty of experienced people to deal with fellow sufferers like Mr. Wilce. We welcome them with open arms to all our clinics. They usually are very grateful to find asylum from an unsympathetic world that is over flowing with pragmatic realists.

Instead of repressing it, we encourage people with Walter Mitty Syndrome (WMS) to let their condition fully express itself in a safe environment. If you are familiar with “Primal Scream” (re-enacting your birth) and “Happy Clapper” (talking in tongues) therapies, then you will appreciate its effectiveness.

Most of our members make a full recovery and some even re-direct their talents into noble professions such as writing, music, cartooning, architecture, visual arts, and even politics. In fact, when it comes to politics we have noticed quite a few untreated WMS suffers in your own party.

Some tell tale signs of WMS that are easy to detect are obsessive desires to; privatize prisons, cut welfare payments, introduce educational vouchers, remove school zoning, allow Waitangi claims to all the coastlines, let floating exchange rates dictate business profitability and allow unrestricted foreign control of land and Kiwi owned enterprises.

Just send them over to us and we will guaranty to restore the daydreaming/real life balance. Our fees you will have noticed are moderate when compared with lawyers, dentists and resource management consultants. However, we have still managed to acquire the latest WMS scanners that enable us to make an accurate diagnosis.

Recent advances in radiographic technology means we can now determine the amount of pragmatism emitted from WMS patients. If they present early enough, any monetarist tendencies can be realigned with cognitive psychotherapy. Extreme cases might require micro-laser surgery to zap offending cells and neural pathways to encourage pragmatic regeneration.

We can assure you that our strict security procedures will ensure complete confidentiality, but please book in early to get the best response. Our services are proving to be very popular lately in Australia and we could soon be completely booked out for months ahead. Regards Walt.

PS If you ring us and hear a strange noise on the phone, it will be the snooze tone. Please leave a message and be assured that you will be the first in line to get the next available wake up call.