Saturday, October 18, 2008

Finding The Perfect Woman

Finding A Perfect Woman

When my marriage ended, I thought that I would be far happier as a bachelor. There are times tho’ when my natural inclinations get the better of me and I start looking for another partner.

I am in this frame of mind at the moment and I have taken an interest the competition being run by ‘The Bullock Bar’ in Wanaka, to find the “Perfect Woman” next Labour Week-end. What are they looking for, someone to compete with Miss New Zealand? No way! This competition is strictly rural and most glamour pusses will have a tough time competing.

This “Perfect (Southern) Woman” has to know how to back a trailer, put in fence posts, open a bottle of Speights without a can opener, fit snow chains, blow a dog whistle, move a large ram over to be shorn and still be able to darn socks. I would have thought that these tasks would be enough to put every woman off, but if you believe their website, it appears they have more applications than they can cope with. In fact, they claim to be so successful that have been able to get the winners on TV and get world-wide coverage.

One of the winners was asked the inevitable question, “What kind of man would be your “Perfect Man”? She replied with charming sincerity, “Oh my dad would be – he taught me most of what I know.” As I am probably close to his age, her comments make me think that there must be more young women out there who would appreciate a fatherly person like myself as partner.

On the down side however, there is the likely prospect of being like our ex Prime Minister David Lange and leave behind a fatherless child when I die. Also, in the not too distant future, how long would such a relationship last when all I had to offer was my grandfatherly appeal?

When I saw the movie promos for the new Pixar movie ‘Wall E’, it made me think that perhaps I would be better off putting an order in for an android woman. There would be plenty of time to develop the technology and the market demand is bound to increase as all the Baby Boomers hit retirement age.
I would give my one the name of Andromeda and have her especially programmed not to complain about overdue household chores, lawns that need mowing and my unique taste in clothing. On the positive side, she would need a sense of humour to laugh at my jokes and praise my creative endeavours as timeless masterpieces.

Then again, if she did develop her own sense of humour I would have to keep in mind the prophetic words of Arthur C. Clark (author of 2001 A Space Odyssey), when he wrote, “You’ll know when an artificial intelligence has consciousness when it can make a joke and laugh at it.”

Hang on a minute! A robot like this might be just as bad as a human partner. We might end up in a situation where we have irreconcilable electronic differences and I find myself taken to the cleaners in a court set up to sort out ‘Matrixonial Property’ disputes.

How would I cope if I had to front up to a tribunal of androids to keep all my worldly possessions? Would they sentence me to therapy sessions or other more sinister means to de-programme my tendency to indulge in electronic abuse?

I could end up paying alimony forever. I know how expensive it is to keep a computer operational and the mind boggles at the thought of maintaining a machine as complex as a robot. Somehow bachelorhood is now looking decidedly attractive as the best option. I can continue to live a more relaxed natural lifestyle and dance to the beat of my own drum – unplugged.

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