Sleep Walking

The Recession certainly looks to be fading at last. The dark clouds of doom and gloom parted for me last week as a shaft of golden light came out of the heavens and made my mailbox glow. I looked inside and found an inspirational leaflet claiming - “You Can Make Money In Your Sleep”.

That is just the kind of enlightenment I need right now as I struggle to pay my bills each month. Why sweat your guts out when you can be guided to an easy fortune by a financial guru. Judging by his $750,000 per annum income, I am sure to be rich in no time at all if I sign up for one of his magical mystery tours into the internet.

I can already see from the promotional material that this business guru operates from Australia and his approach has a lot to do with attitude. Now that explains everything. Money quite literally comes out of the ground there from huge mines that operate 24/7. No wonder the door is open for some passive income earning schemes like this one to siphon off some of the billions of mining money sloshing around in their economy.

I read in the NZ Herald that Kiwis are once again being drawn to migrate to ‘The Lucky Country’ in droves after a bit of a slow down last year. I wonder how many are sufficiently prepared for the challenges ahead? Perhaps my new business guru will help me develop an Internet course for migrants to Aussie. I could earn my money in New Zealand while I take my afternoon naps and rake it in worldwide while I sleep in the evening.

I will begin with routine environmental hazards like toilet seat lifting techniques, as you look for the deadly red back spiders. Then move on to direct you to suppliers of boots that will resist snakebites and bottles of serum in case they strike higher. Crocodile Dundee hats will be essential for country folk and I will give instructions on the correct way to do the Aussie salute as you wave the flies away all day.

To be absolutely safe, you will also need my recommended: hail proof helmets, bush fire and ant bite proof clothing, tick removers, dingo and shark repellents and water purifiers. The last item might seem excessive, but remember that some Australian cities have to recycle their sewage due to low rainfall.

Language will come next. Your kiwi accent will be a dead give away, so accent lessons in ‘Strine’ will be necessary if you want more pay. I will teach you how to really believe in mantras like “To win is naturally Australian” and how to play Australian Rules Football with boots that have the words “You deserved this” stamped into the treads.

If all goes well, my grateful students will see my fees as a kind of “Advance Australian Fare” to successful emigration. “Stripe me pink!” and “Stone me crows!”, I will be getting rich while I snooze.